You’re a good man, Jon Stewart

Watching the news is a bummer. Watching Jon Stewart’s version of the news, luckily, makes everything better. He’s been on a roll for the past two weeks about the scandal over Anthony Weiner, showing that, for a comedian, the hilarity of your material trumps the survival of your friendships any day of the week.

The only bummer about watching The Daily Show is that I see many more clips of Fox News than I would normally choose (I would normally choose to avoid Fox like the plague of inanity that it is). The point of showing these clips though is to destroy Fox anchors with their own hypocrisy, which Stewart does brilliantly. And every once in a while I’m glad to know the name Glenn Beck if only to understand how brilliant Jon Stewart is when he decides to parody Beck’s strange logic:

Also, Jon’s the best host the Oscars have ever seen:

In America, humor is patriotic

A recent poll determined that the United States of America is the world’s funniest country. Whether that’s true or not, I think it’s notable that our president knows how to both tell and take a joke. Here he is at the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Dinner roasting Trump:

Comedian Seth Meyers was the real winner of the evening, and no one enjoyed his jokes more than Obama. Here’s Meyers’s full speech, the entire thing solid gold:

Mitch Hedberg: a joke for every season

Last week when it was blisteringly hot, I set up an oscillating fan in my room and asked it questions that a fan would say no to. “. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say “no” to. “Do you keep my hair in place?… Do you keep my documents in order?… Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan lied to me!”

Of course, this is a joke first dreamed up by Mitch Hedberg (“I’m sick of following my dreams; I’m just gonna ask ’em where they’re going and hook up with them later”). He died tragically early, and yet in his relatively short comedic career he came up with a joke related to just about every situation I’ve ever been in. When I pass a broken escalator I’m reminded how escalators can never really break; they can only become stairs.

When I took tests in college I’d wish I was in a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

Whenever I pull out a sweater from my closet I think, “This sweater is dry-clean only, which means it’s dirty.”

When I see protests on TV, I think, “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

And once when a friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later…so, yeah.”

Mitch is one of those people I wish had a much, much longer life. I can only imagine how many more little things would make me laugh every day if he’d come up with applicable jokes.

What’s your favorite Mitch Hedberg joke?

Dog jokes

I got my dad a page-a-day calendar of dog cartoons this year. When I explained to my boyfriend this choice of gifts, I noted, “My dad loves dog jokes.” He frowned. “Dog jokes? Like, what do you call a dog who does tricks–Roll Rover?” “No, not dog puns, dog jokes!” And so I told him a few of my favorites, which I will now recount here:

I bet this dog likes a good dog joke

Two guys were walking their dogs when they passed a bar. It was a hot day so one guy said to the other, you wanna stop in for a drink? The other guy says, Yeah, but I don’t think they allow dogs in. The first guy shrugs and goes in with his dog. The bartender calls out, I’m sorry, we don’t allow dogs in here. The guy says, This is my seeing-eye dog. The bartender lets the first guy stay, so the second guy goes in with his dog. The bartender says again, I’m sorry, we don’t allow dogs here, and the second guy says, This is my seeing-eye dog. The bartender says, You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog? and the guys shouts, They gave me a chihuahua?!

On that note: A guy walks in to a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He starts swinging the dog around on its leash, and the bartender calls out What are you doing?! The guy says, Just looking around.

And lastly: A dog wanted to place an ad in the paper to sell his bone. The guy at the paper says, What do you want your ad to say? The dog answers, Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof. The guy says, You know, you can add one more word for the same price. And the dog says, But that wouldn’t make any sense!